A trip to Brazil, after which I changed my attitude to life

For a long time I lived with the feeling that I had to sort out all the cases first, help my loved ones, fulfill promises, solve accumulated issues, and only then think about myself. Moreover, this "later" was constantly pushed back, because life was surprisingly able to throw up new tasks just when it seemed to me that I could finally exhale a little. I could spend weeks planning weekends, and then spend them doing household chores, refusing to meet with a friend for another urgent job, and postponing the purchase of tickets, because now doesn't seem to be the right time to travel.

From the outside, everything looked quite reasonable: I was a responsible person, I tried not to let anyone down, and I was used to relying primarily on my own strength. But sometimes in the evenings, when everything was finally over, I felt a strange emptiness and couldn't explain why I wanted to go somewhere so much, even though nothing bad seemed to be happening in my life. I didn't want to run away from my family, my job, or my familiar city, I was just tired of constantly being the person who organizes everything, remembers everything, and takes care of everything, leaving my own desires at the very end of the list.

One day I opened the world map and, quite by chance, I stayed in Brazil, saw Salvador. At first, I was surprised that he was in Brazil, but then I decided to figure it out. I found out that, it turns out, there is a city of Salvador, the capital of the state of Bahia, and there is a state of the same name in Central America. And there is a big difference between them, I realized that I want to go to Brazil. It was an unusual decision, because I knew almost nothing about this place, but for some reason I immediately imagined walking down an unfamiliar street without any purpose, and ahead of me there was a whole day that did not need to be organized for anyone. A few weeks later, I had tickets, accommodation reservations, and a pretty serious worry about the trip, which initially seemed almost impossible. I didn't know what exactly I was taking away from Brazil, but I already felt it.: I need to get out of the usual circle for a while, in which I stopped noticing myself a long time ago.

Salvador greeted me in a completely different way than I expected.

When I arrived in Salvador, the full name of which sounds like San Salvador da Bahia de Toduz us Santos, the first impression turned out to be quite contradictory. On the one hand, the city immediately captivated me with its colors, noise, music and the feeling of proximity to the ocean, but on the other, I was tired after the road, did not navigate well in unfamiliar streets and constantly checked my phone so as not to miss the right turn. I imagined how beautiful it would be to walk around Brazil, enjoy the atmosphere and take photos, but the first hours were more like trying to figure out a complex board game, the rules of which no one explained.

I was especially surprised by how quickly I switched back on the usual control mode. As soon as I left my things in my apartment, I already opened the list of saved places, started checking the distances and calculating how many sights I could see before the evening. It seems that I came here precisely to take a break from the endless race, but as soon as I found myself in a new city, I immediately organized another race for myself, only now with a tropical climate and a lot more reasons to sweat.

The historical center of the city

That day, I managed to stroll through the historic Pelourinho district, where the famous colorful colonial buildings stand, look into several shops and take photos, which I was quite pleased with. However, when I returned to my room in the evening, I found that I hardly remembered my own feelings of the day again. I remembered which streets I'd walked through and what I'd photographed, but I could hardly remember the last time I'd just enjoyed what was happening without thinking about the next destination. And then I decided that the next day I would try to do everything completely differently.

A day in which there was not a single mandatory item

I woke up in the morning without an alarm clock, although usually even on vacation I managed to set it at a fairly early time so as not to lose a single precious minute. The first thing I did was reach for my phone, but I stopped in time and left it on the bedside table, deciding to at least have breakfast without checking messages, news and weather. It turned out to be surprisingly difficult, because my hand reached for the screen on its own, as if without it I risked missing some global event.

The Barr Lighthouse

After breakfast, I went outside and decided to go wherever I wanted and accidentally stumbled upon the Barr Lighthouse. It is located in the Barra district, at the entrance to the Bay of All Saints, where the waters of the Atlantic Ocean meet. I don't know how long I've been here, but I've enjoyed not keeping track of time. According to my inner feelings, I admired this beauty for 20 minutes, maybe longer. Next, I wasn't going to specifically look for hidden sights or make up another route, but just wanted to see the city through the eyes of a person who doesn't have to do absolutely everything. At one point, I stopped near a bright house, then paused at a small storefront, and then saw a cafe where several people were quietly having breakfast at tables on the street.

I ordered coffee and some local pastries, which I pronounced with such care, as if my fate depended on the right emphasis. Fortunately, they understood me, the order arrived, and I was able to do the most important thing – to eat and look around. People were talking around me, cars were passing, music was playing somewhere, and I was sitting there and suddenly realized that I absolutely did not need to turn this morning into an achievement.

Probably, nothing special happened from the outside. An ordinary woman was sitting in a cafe in an unfamiliar city, drinking coffee and looking at passers-by, but for me it was almost a small discovery. I've been living in a regime for so many years where any free time should be put to good use that I've already forgotten how pleasant it is to just exist without constantly trying to improve myself and my own life.

I saw how much I had been saving for later.

Pelourinho

Later, I went for a walk around Pelourinho, the historic center of Salvador, which is known for its colonial buildings, churches and cobbled streets. I walked slowly between the colorful facades, looked at the balconies and doors, listened to the music coming from the neighboring streets, and from time to time stopped to take a photo. But the most important thing was not happening around me, but in my head, because I suddenly began to remember all the things that I had promised myself for years to do when I had free time.

I wanted to learn how to draw, but I always had more important things to do. I wanted to go to the seaside more often, but then work projects, household issues and other reasons to stay at home began. I wanted to walk more, read books, not just before going to bed, when my eyes were already closing by themselves, and sometimes buy myself something beautiful just because I like it, and not because it was a special holiday.

I suddenly realized that it's not necessary to give up your own desires in order to be a good person. You can take care of your loved ones and at the same time remember yourself, you can perform duties and at the same time leave time for pleasure, or you can just admit that some things are as important to me as all other tasks. For some reason, it used to seem to me that taking care of yourself should begin only after everyone around you is happy, but now this idea looked completely ridiculous.

At one point, I stopped near a beautiful building, looked at it, and suddenly smiled. Not because I found some special attraction, but because for the first time in a long time I stopped perceiving my own desires as something optional. I came to Brazil not only to see another country, but also to remember that I also have a life that I want to enjoy.

A little nuisance that made me laugh

Of course, it would be too beautiful if, after such a discovery, I started moving around the city exceptionally easily and confidently. In practice, everything turned out to be much more prosaic: at some point I took a wrong turn, lost my bearings, and spent quite a long time trying to figure out how to return to a familiar street. The map on my phone stubbornly suggested a route that I could not immediately compare with the surrounding buildings, and the heat finally convinced me that my plans for a quiet walk needed a little revision.

Previously, I probably would have started to get annoyed, worry about lost time, and berate myself for not preparing carefully enough. But this time I found a place to sit down, bought water, and decided to rest first before figuring out the route. The world didn't collapse, the sights didn't disappear, and I suddenly discovered that I could calmly deal with situations that previously seemed like a small personal disaster to me.

The funny thing is that in the end I still found a way, and with it a small place where I could have a snack. I wasn't going to go there, I didn't save it on my phone, and I didn't even know in advance that it existed, but it was there that I spent a pleasant hour relaxing after a walk. It turned out that the day, which I deliberately decided not to plan, gave me much more peace of mind than all my carefully organized routes.

I thought about how much effort I spend trying to figure out every little thing, even though life is constantly making its own adjustments anyway. And, perhaps, for the first time, I wanted not to fight it, but just to leave a little room for surprises.

An evening by the ocean that I didn't want to end

In the late afternoon, I went to the coast because I wanted to look at the ocean and relax a little after a walk. I settled down in a convenient place where I could see the water, and watched for a long time how the light changed, how people walked along the shore, and how evening gradually fell. There were plenty of sounds, movement, and life around, but at the same time, for the first time in a long time, I felt a calmness inside me that needed no explanation.

I remembered how I often told myself that I would start living differently when I solved all the problems, completed a complex project, or finally achieved some stability. But life never becomes completely free of worries, and if you wait for the moment when everything will be perfect, you can never wait. There will always be some business that needs to be completed, an issue that needs to be resolved, or a circumstance that will require a change of plans.

The Atlantic Ocean continued to be an ocean, no matter how many tasks I had left at home. People were walking nearby, talking, laughing, someone was photographing the sunset, and someone was just sitting and looking at the water. I also sat and thought that happiness might not require me to become better, more successful, or more productive every minute, but sometimes it starts with allowing myself to just be here and now.

I didn't make any big decisions that night, and I didn't promise myself to start a new life on Monday. I just felt that I no longer wanted to constantly put myself off for later, because that "later" could be infinitely far away, and the ordinary days that make up life are passing right now.

What changed when I returned home

After returning, of course, I was greeted by the familiar reality. There were messages on my phone, letters waiting in the mail, there were things at home that I had left before the trip, and work tasks were absolutely not going to be solved on their own just because I spent a few days in Brazil. For the first few days, I started rushing again, trying to do everything at once, and even found myself getting annoyed with the usual queue at the store.

But at least now I noticed what was going on. I remembered the morning in Salvador, when I was sitting at a table with a cup of coffee and was in no hurry, and I tried at least sometimes to regain this feeling in everyday life. I began to go out for walks more often without a specific goal, stopped filling the whole weekend with activities and began to allow myself to relax without coming up with a convincing excuse for this.

Gradually, I realized that I didn't need to completely change my circumstances in order to change my attitude to life. I couldn't cancel all my obligations, give up work, or stop caring for my loved ones, and I didn't want to do that. But I could stop considering my own desires as something secondary, which is remembered only after everything else is done.

I signed up for classes that I had been putting off for a long time, started meeting my friends more often, and finally stopped waiting for a special reason to buy flowers. Sometimes I still find myself wanting to postpone something pleasant until better times, but now I try to ask myself a simple question: if it's really important to me, why do I leave it for later again?

The journey that taught me to choose myself

Salvador did not solve all the problems of life for me, did not relieve my worries and did not turn me into a person who always knows what he wants. I can still get tired, worry about the future, and sometimes try to control things that cannot be foreseen in advance. But this trip gave me the opportunity to see my own life from the outside and realize that for too long I have been trying to be comfortable, responsible and correct, forgetting that I also want something more than just to successfully cope with everything.

I went to Brazil, thinking that I needed a break from my usual life, but I came back thinking that I no longer wanted to live as if real life would begin after I finally managed everything. I don't have to wait for the perfect moment to enjoy myself, I don't have to deserve every little holiday, and I don't have to turn all my free hours into a useful activity. Sometimes it's enough to go outside, buy coffee, call a loved one, go for a walk, or afford a day without a strict schedule.

I see travel differently now. For me, this is not only an opportunity to see new countries and bring home beautiful photos, but also a chance to stop for a while, notice my own habits and remember what really matters. I still dream of new trips, building routes and keeping interesting places on the map, but I no longer want to wait for the next vacation to start treating myself with the same care that I used to treat others.

Sometimes I open the photos from Salvador again and linger on one shot, where there is nothing particularly impressive: just the ocean, evening light and a piece of shore. For me, this photo was a reminder that on that day, for the first time in a long time, I stopped thinking about what I should do next and just allowed myself to feel good.

This trip changed my attitude to life, not because I found the secret of happiness in Brazil, but because I finally understood.: I don't have to take care of the whole world first to get the right to take care of myself.

And now, when I start putting off my own desires for later, I remember Salvador, the ocean, and the amazing tranquility I felt in an unfamiliar city. I can't always change circumstances, not everything depends on me, and not every day is easy, but I can at least stop making my own life the last item on my to-do list.

After all, one day I may discover that I have been preparing so diligently for a happy future that I almost did not notice how the years passed. And I want not only to make plans for life, but also to really live – with all its surprises, imperfections, small joys and moments that do not need to be deserved.